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声が聞こえる。
「サイトウさん」
声が、
俺を呼ぶ声が、
聞こえる。
「サイトウさん起きて下さい」
煩い。
寝かせてくれ。
「申し訳ないね、起こしてしまって」
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モニター前のサイトウは顔を引きつらせた。
楽しすぎて、
面白すぎて、
興奮が止まらなくて。
こんな感覚は二十代を最後に失せていた。
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「メーデー!メーデー!」
夢を見ている。
俺が夢を見る時は全て悪夢と言っていい。
今となっては体調のバロメーターでもある。
「嘘、駄目だよ、無理だよ、多すぎる、もうヤダ・・・死にたくない」
悪夢の内容で具合がわかるからだ。
夢に現実の知人が出る場合、悪い中では最も軽い。
長さでもわかる。
軽い悪夢で短いのは更に軽い。
具合が悪いことには変わらないが。
「助けて!助けて!誰か!誰かー!」
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生きている。
また、朝が来た。
肉体が喜びを感じるのが悔しい。
意識は絶望の底を舐める。
馴染みの味。
もう涙も出ない。
悲しむ時期はとうに過ぎた。
叫ぶ体力もない。
サラリーマン時代の貯金の底も見えつつある。
忙しすぎてお金を使う時間が無かったのが不幸中の幸い。
後一年持つだろうか?
節約して一年半。
いずれにしても収入がないのだからジリ貧。